Friday, April 30, 2010

blog fog

I made up that phrase at 9:15pm last night, as I was falling asleep. Shortly thereafter, I determined that I am a boring for going to bed that early.

Anyway, I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been a funk. That's what my parents always called bad moods when we were growing up - not the angry kind of bad mood, but the "blah" kind of bad mood. But I've been in a funk because I've felt like the end of OCS is close, but not close enough, and I just feel anxious all the time. And as I was writing Andrew a letter earlier this week, I realized that the feeling I have is that this is permanent. Like I'll forever be in a state of "almost" but never really finished. Does that make sense? And then, I get a letter today from Andrew, dated a week ago and he says "I feel like we're pretending to be married, like this is never going to end. I know it will end, but in the moment it feels so permanent." Hello, man after my own heart.

So then I started reading Donald Miller's new book, A Thousand Miles in a Million Years. I've had it for months, but only started reading it this week. Then Martha emails me the next day and says "hey, I just finished Donald Miller's book and it is so good!" Do you see the trend here?

Basically, I decided to shake off my funk. A few bubble baths and one long conversation with the boy later, and I think I might be back on track. Then I read something in my book. He was talking about observing a friend hold her baby girl for the first time, and he says:
It was as though having a baby made all the fairy tales come true for her, as though she were a painter who discovered a color all new to the world. I can imagine what kind of conversation God and Danielle will have, how she'll sit and tell God the favorite parts of the story he gave her. You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience.
First of all, Donald Miller's writing style speaks to my soul more than any other author. It's so simple, but it's so profound and I find myself wondering why it had always been so difficult for me to put it all into words. Second of all, this is exactly what my heart has been trying to figure out for the last several weeks. It is not about waiting through the current moment to get somewhere good. It is most definitely not about feeling trapped in a moment because it's not moving quickly enough toward a better one. It is about taking the story that God wrote for me and getting lost in it, no matter how it reads.

The good thing is, time allowed me to talk through that with Andrew tonight. Things are a lot clearer when you can talk it out with your BFF, no?

So while this time is hard and I want nothing more than for it to pass quickly, I will most definitely not wish it away. Nope. That's just not my style.

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