I have so many words in my heart right now and even though I've been trying for the last hour to get them out, they just won't say what I want them to. Does that ever happen to you?
What I want them to say is that I feel so grateful to be able.
I've done things in the last month that I never thought I'd do. Things that were always on Andrew's list because they were boy jobs or because I just didn't want to do them by myself.
But I quickly realized that his weekends at home are going to be few and far between and what I'd rather do is drink coffee in the sunroom with him, catching up and enjoying the son I know he's going to miss so much.
So I started doing these things myself. Some things took me twice as long (i.e. painting and repainting the living room). Some things required some education on my part (i.e caulking around the fireplace). Some things resulted in minor back pain (i.e. putting together and moving a giant bookcase).
But I did them all. And I'm proud of myself for it.
This afternoon, while Jack was napping and I was lugging boxes out to the garage, I thanked God for making me able. For giving me a body that could do those things and for building a confidence in me that allowed me to believe that I could do them.
And then I realized that the girl I knew five years ago wouldn't have been cut out for this job. The moving and the building and the fixing. The baby who is being clingy and cries when she leaves the room to go to the bathroom. The dog who is being needy and won't get off her heels. The jogging stroller that just won't go together as easily as the box said it would. The rain that just keeps falling, falling, falling. All the while, the husband is away. Again.
That girl was a lightweight. But by His grace, here I am.