I do this thing sometimes where I cook up a worst-case scenario in my head to try and make sure that I'm prepared to handle it. You might call it fear. Worry. Anxiety. Whatever it is, it's always been my M.O.
I don't worry about outrageous stuff like Andrew getting in a car accident on the way home from work or my house being burned to the ground when I get back from a weekend trip. Those thoughts do sometimes cross my mind, but they're fleeting - I usually feel like it's such a stretch that it's not even worth the energy to think about it. And I'm thankful for that.
But the other things? The things that could really, really happen? Those thoughts can be consuming.
And something about growing and preparing for a little human stirs those thoughts up pretty fiercely. I wrote this post when Andrew and I were the only ones who knew I was pregnant. I was so afraid that something was going to go wrong and it was paralyzing. I had scripture plastered all around me to give me some sense of peace and comfort but for most of those first few weeks I was terrifying myself with that worst-case scenario stuff.
And lately, it's been this:
- What if he's breech?
- What if I can't nurse?
- What if I can't get in touch with Andrew when I go into labor?
- What if I get postpartum depression?
- What if he has colic?
- What if something goes wrong during the delivery?
- What if he weighs 10lbs?
What if, what if, what if, blah, blah, BLAH.
I spend so much time thinking about those things because I just want to be prepared, but it's still not healthy. I can research breech birth and postpartum depression all day long and I'm still worrying about something that I (a) have no control over and (b) can't do anything about right now.
I was playing that little "what if" game this afternoon and I swear, it was like God so clearly and sweetly told me to chill out - that He will give me what I need in any of those moments that I'm so afraid of. But they aren't here yet and they probably won't ever be, so I'm not really in need of anything but a dose of peace right now.
One of my dearest friends told me one time that we feel things like "I couldn't handle it if..." and it's true. Right that moment, we couldn't handle it - because we don't need to. But if XYZ happened, God would send the grace and power necessary to deal. But only then and not a minute before.
His grace is sufficient. It is adequate. It is enough. It is available when I need it. His power is made perfect in weakness.
He is enough, amen?