Friday, February 4, 2011

on the fears that keep me up at night


I definitely wouldn't characterize myself as "laid back." It's just not who I am and that's okay. It can be a flaw (just ask Andrew, the most patient man in the world) but I really think it can also be a good quality. My kitchen is always clean before I go to bed. I make the bed every morning. I can get a supernatural amount of things done in a small amount of time. And when no one can make a plan, I probably already have one in mind.

But I also overthink things and I'm prone to worry. One time when I was a kid, I heard the people on the news talking about how the next day was D-Day. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew it couldn't be good. So I lay in bed until the clock struck 12:01 a.m. and when the world didn't end, I finally went to sleep.

That's a true story.

I'm anxious. I worry. And sometimes, I'm just fearful. It just starts going and I can't turn it off. I want to know exactly how I will feel, react and behave in a threatening situation so I'm not caught off guard if I find myself there. Sometimes I like to tell myself that I'm just "preparing for the worst" but really I'm obsessing over it. It's so clear to me that it's not healthy, I just have a hard time getting it under control.

For a few reasons, those kind of thoughts have kept me awake at night this week. Lots of if X happens, then I will do Y and if A happens, what if B happens? And then, oh no, what if C happens?

It makes me sad, if we're being honest. It's like I can see my joy being stolen right out of my heart.

So I started talking myself out of it. And it went like this:

You are not in control of this situation.
You will never be in control of this situation.
(You might think you are, but really, you're not.)
But what if A happens?
Then you will be okay. Because you're not in control of this situation.
You were created by Someone bigger than you.
So when you pray those prayers of please keep me safe and please look after us it's really kind of unnecessary because He already is.
You're His, remember?

And so you have peace.

And hope.

You have hope, Page. Hope.

And slowly, the breath I didn't know I was holding is released. And the muscles in my neck loosen.

Because I have hope.



2 friends said...:

  1. Just found your blog, and I'm glad I did! This post reminds me so much of myself. I was also the kid who stayed awake at night worrying over different things. Who am I kidding? I'm still that adult! But thanks for the reminder that we have hope because someone who knows everything is in control!

    God bless!

  2. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.
    I Peter 5:6-7


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